Post of the Month

In here you can find the posts which have recieved the most nominations for Post of the Month by the readers of alt.tv.red-dwarf. The only criteria for a post being nominated is that it must have been posted to that newsgroup. Nominations are being looked after by Ang Rosin. So, without further to-do, on to the Post of the Month...

From: [email protected] (Marc Brutschy)
Subject: Re: Test message

[email protected] (Charles Daniels) wrote:

>This is a test message.

Normally, we would suggest that test posts be replaced by actual
messages, with real content. But given the identity of the poster in
this case, I think we should all be thankful not to have received the
twisted tirade about rabid, perfumed marmosets that would have surely
taken its place.

SyMarc, Inc.


On Mon, 17 Feb 1997 00:05:25 GMT,  Julian Oliver spake forth thusly:

> Press the keys a little more sharply when you type.  Then they
> click.

Dear Mr. Oliver,

  I recently took your advice about obtaining a clicking noise
through the expedient use of increased finger pressure at greater
velocity on my keyboard. I did indeed obtain a clicking sound.
Imagine my despair when I found that the clicking noise had, in
fact, been my fingers fracturing and eventually snapping. I am
holding you personally responsible for this fracas and the
subsequent loss in earnings over the next three weeks could run into
the tens of pounds.

We need protecting against the ill advised advice of keyboard-
advice cowboys who advise us inadvisedly. Why oh why is this not
punishable by 15 years hard labour on a diet of liver and sweetcorn?
Bring back National Service, never did me any harm.

You will hear from my solicitor in the near future. Needless to say,
I will send a copy of this letter to my MP.

Miffed, Bootle.

--               
Fraser Steele
I bet living in a nudist colony takes the fun out of Hallowe'en.

From: [email protected] (Ryan Macklin)
Subject: Re: Does God exist? (was Re: Cat's Dream Girl)

Oceans parted and earthquakes ceased, as [email protected] (Marion
Moore) spoke unto the heathen world...

>I am new to this newsgroup and its good to see that there are
>fellow NIN fans who also have taste in TV. I think that I have to
>side with the above point only on the grounds that you like NIN.

Good. You have spoken the secret phrase and have gained clearance.

>David"The Cat's nostril hair"Hannigan 

Welcome to the group Dave. Please step into our decontamination chamber
for, well, decontaimination.
*Light comes on: Decontamination complete*
Ok, welcome to the Nazi headquarters, codename alt.tv.red-dwarf.
This way Dave for your Nazi identification code.
*A machine scars Dave left shoulder. The scars represent a weird barcode*
General Cma! *Ryan salutes a woman dressed like an admiral*
Ryan! I told you not to call me Cma anymore.
Yes sir, General...uh...er...Sea!
I see you have found a new recruit.
Yes sir! He mentioned that he was a Nine Inch Nails fan and I thought he
would be a good addition to Friday's Army of the Unholy
Good. Show him around.
*General Sea goes back to her private quarters, which are guarded by the
ever-present Intruder Enforcement Drone in-a-loincloth Raz 4000*
That is Friday. *We see a man in a strait-jacket ranting about how cool
guns are* He is the leader of the Army of the Unholy. Never mention guns
around him.
This is Charles Daniels. His mind was corrupted and perverted by
literature. However, he has proven his worth as a man who can think up he
most complex plans for any situation.
Yes! And then the helicopter flies back, but not over India this time,
but over Germany so as do avoid detection by the orbital mind probes!
Uh, Charles, you do know there is a Taco Bell across he street?
 No! Their prices when up 10 cents, you heartless cruel bastard.
Uh, yes Charles.
Dave, you want to stay away from him. Next we have Laurie, our *snicker*
mater of *snicker yet again* disguise. *complete and total out-loud
laughter* I'm sorry Dave. You'll find out why I laugh soon. Oh, here she
comes now.
Hi Ryan. I see you've found someone new.
Yes, Laurie, I have.
 Shhhhhh. People might recongize you. Here's put these on and you
 will be able to move through crowds if unnoticed at passing
 leaves. *LAurie hands Ryan and Dave you jester hats* Put them on
 now.
*Ryan & Dave put on their hats*
Ok, better now, Laurie?
 Who the hell are you?! AHHH!!!!!! *Laurie runs away, screaming*
That was Laurie. That Intruder Enforcement Drone constantly hovering about
her is Sam. He was originally meant for the Furher, but he is malfunctions.
And before you ask, yes, Laurie is insane. But we're all insane. THAT'S THE
PRICE OF IMMORTALITY!!!!! *Ryan froths at the month*
Er...um...
*Ryan eats his froth*
Ok, next we have our head Nazi scientist Ang. *we see a woman dressed in
metal armour holding a sword by her at all times*
 Ah, Ryan, you're just in time to see my latest creation, Lee. I got
 the idea of all those American movies like Nazi Vampire Chicks From
 Outer Space. Lee used to be a human male. Now, thanks to NaziTech,
 our inconspicious genetics corporation, I was able to trun Lee from a
human male into a female vampire! Here she comes now...
 Hisssss!!
*a voice from beyond shouts 'RYAN!'*
Ah, our Furher calls. Dave, meet Furher Annette. She was just elected a
little bit ago.
 Thank you for your support in the election, Ryan. That is all.
 Heil Annette!
*Annette leaves*
These right here are pictures of previous Furhers. This here is Annette, as
you have just seen. This next one was from last year. Friday killed the
cameraman who took the picture because he would let Friday point a gun at
the camera. And this one was from the very first election. That is CHarles
Daniels, before the surgery.
That is all for now, syndicate Dave. Report to Friday for taining. And
whatever you do, no matter how much he asks, DO NOT UNSTRAP HIM!

Ryan
--
Who may be leaving atvrd soon.

From: [email protected]

>> A little bit of advice from a newbie to a newbie...
>> LURK!!!!!  I think a couple of weeks should do it...
>> read all the posts, dont respond and find out what the hell these guys
>> are going on about *mumble*mumble*ill shut up about that now*giggle*

>Best Klingon Voice:
>"Why are people from OZ so fond of GIGGLING!?!?"
>:)

Best Spock Voice: "Newbie De-lurking off the starboard bow!"
Kirk :            "Quick, raise spoiler spaces!"
Chekov :          "Too late, Keptin.  They've lauched a snipet of 
                   information about the new Starbug wessil" 
Kirk :            "Return fire! Launch flame"
Spock :           "Direct hit.  The newbie has bitten and we're 
                   reeling him in"
Scotty :          "Ah ye canna change the laws of posting, Jim!"

And the moral of the story (because, being an episode of Star Trek, there
has to be one) :

       "Lurk long and prosper"

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your death

From: [email protected]

In article <[email protected]>,
[email protected] (CuriousStr8 Guy) wrote:

>THE LOCATOR  finds other Bi or Gay CLOSETED Males or Females to match
>with the same. 

. Alright, everyone shuffle about so they don't squash
John's wombles. We all remember what happened last time....Now, Sam, if
you'd just get the Deth Squad to do their marvellous Woodlouse impression
that we've all come to look forward to each Thursday. Great, now we have
some more space to move.

On three.

1

2

3...

JUMP!

*jump*

*scrape*

*thud*

Ahh...that's gooOOOOHHHHD...whoseleaningwhoseleaning??!

*teeter*

*thud*

*pause*

Oh. Great, now we'll *never* get to see what it says.

From: [email protected]

In article , Nick Honeywell
 writes:

(flamed material snipped by me)

>You are a stupid little fool who deserved to tied to a rock in the
>desert, covered with honey and killer-ants, with maggots gnawling at
>your entrails.
>
>--
>Look!  I did a flame without swearing!    
  
Ang: Right, class, you all have a copy of Nick's flame in front of you.
       Who can tell me what his error was?
Fri:  He didn't swear enough!
Ang: No Friday, remember last weeks lesson "Personal abuse without
        profanity"  Nick did include an acceptable insult, anyone else?
Cma:  He was too polite?
Ang:  Sorry, that's not it, but close.
Raz:  He didn't put a smilie at the end.
Ang:  No Raz, it's a flame, they do not require a cute ascii face at the
         end.
Raz:  But I always put one in.
Ang:  You'd put one in if you were announcing a death.  Any other
         member of the class have an answer?
Charles:  Two bottles of ketchup and a pint of dog spit please.
Ang:  Annettte, can you take Charles to the nurse, please, it's time
      for whatever he's on.  And remember to bring him back.      
      If no-one knows the answer I'll have to tell you.
Cat:  Me! Me! Me!
Ang:Yes?
Cat:  MeeiOW!
Ang:  Lee, did you just kick the cat?
Laurie:  /me giggles.
Ang:  Right, both of you wait outside.
Nick:  I know what I did now.  I made myself look pretty stupid didn't I.
       I didn't put the spoiler space back into my flame.
Ang:  That's correct.  So, it's two hours detention having to read all of
      David McShane's posts.  And haggis and Rola Cola for tea!

From: David McShane

In article <[email protected]>, Gidi Kroon
 writes
>Additional: The best US Red Dwarf version would be with the
>original Lister, the original Rimmer, the original Cat, the
>original Kryten, both original Hollies, and the original stories.

So, you're open to change then.
--
David McShane

From: [email protected]
[other header information has been lost]

Well, here it is -- the not-so-long-awaited, and not-so-eagerly-
anticipated:

       ALT.TV.RED-DWARF DRINKING GAME!!
       ================================

This idea came about last Saturday afternoon, when a few of us more
alcoholically-minded atrders (yeah, could have been any of us, but
in actuality -- myself, Miffy and Alsion) were discussing drinking
games.  Anyway, you don't want to know the history do you?  You want
to skip down to the game itself and see if you're there.  In fact if
any are still reading this boring intro bit, then Hi.  It's a credit
to you, but I'm afraid the others had the right idea after all and
now you've got a bit of catching up to do!

Anyway, the contributions below come from myself and Alsion.  Just
play away (er, at the drinking game, I mean...) at every new news
session.  :-)

And a *teensy* disclaimer...

  1)  We're not making a personal attack on anyone, just in case some
might think that (you meow who I mean! ) -- 'TIS A JOKE, okay?

  2)  If anyone still wants to be offended, then please assume that
Alsion wrote the instance in question.  Hehehehehe.  ;-)

Um, "enjoy", and most definitely, "imbibe"...


THE GAME
--------

If someone tells Nick that he's too young for something -- 2 drinks.

If Reke offers someone a banana -- 3 drinks.

If the Cat uses a spelling-and-grammar-correct .sig -- 3 drinks.

If more than 20% of the posts in any given session are about Red
Dwarf -- 5 drinks.

If aitchbee's "Word of the Month" sends you scurrying for a dictionary
-- 2 drinks.

If aitchbee's "Word of the Month" starts a thread of its own -- 5
drinks.

If anyone can spell "Amdiranfani" -- 1 drink.  (Damn...oh well,
bottoms up!)

If someone asks Bette whether she's related to Robert Llewellyn -- 2
drinks.

If Bette replies that Robert Llewellyn is her father -- 1 drink.

If Bette goes into glorious detail about how she'd *like* to be
related to Kryten and/or his Llewellyn alter-ego -- 3 drinks.

If the FAQ is updated before the next Ice Age -- 10 drinks.

If "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast" appears anywhere in
a post -- 1 drink.

If fish rate a mention in a post from Nadine Sardine Fishy Wishy Boaty
Woaty Watey Watey Wallis -- 1 drink.

If anyone else mentions fish -- 3 drinks.

If anyone includes in their post any variation on "Would anyone like
any toast?" or "So what is it?" from White Hole -- 1 drink.

If anyone actually finds the "Would anyone like any toast?" or "So
what is it?" variation funny any more -- 10 drinks.

If more than a third of the total posts are from Charles -- 5 drinks.

If more than a third of the posts are from Charles and Laurie having a
totally-unrelated-to-Red-Dwarf conversation with each other -- 8
drinks.

If from Vivianne and .splitbung having a totally-unrelated-to-just-
about-anything conversation with each other -- 2 drinks.

If anyone can understand what Charles is on about -- 4 drinks.

If anyone can figure out what Charles is *on* -- 10 drinks.

If Charles mentions his pants or the mysterious contents thereof -- 1
drink.

If anyone whose name is not Miffy actually cares any more about what
is in Charles's pants -- 10 drinks.

If someone makes a technical joke that only someone in their
profession could hope to understand (eg. computers; molecular biology)
-- 3 drinks.

If Karen Blicker writes any post that is nothing to do with Chris
Barrie -- 15 drinks.

If someone is accused of being, or claims to be, Rob Grant -- 1 drink.

If the someone actually *is* Rob Grant -- 15 drinks.

If someone calls Vivianne "Viv" -- 2 drinks.

If Vivianne lets a day go by before correcting whoever called her
"Viv" -- 5 drinks.

If someone quotes a .sig without referring to it -- 5 drinks.

If Gidi mentions "Horrocks" or "Grogan" -- 2 drinks.

If a newbie should be so naive as to complain about lack of Red Dwarf
content on the newsgroup -- 1 drink.

If Marcus or Family McShane posts a message in which the ratio of
unnecessarily-quoted:new text is smaller than 5:1 -- 10 drinks.

If Lee has a .sig that might cause him actual bodily harm -- 5 drinks.

If a post contains a Razzism -- 1 drink for each "Eep!", 2 for each
"Crivvens!"

If the Cat posts an "I agree" with anyone but Friday -- 5 drinks.

If the Cat posts an "I agree" with Friday -- 1 drink.

If Friday flames a .sig length -- at the drinker's discretion
depending on how much more the drinker can (or wants to) take!

If a post by Ang includes a corny pick-up line -- 5 drinks.

If anyone truly thinks that a pick-up line included in one of Ang's
posts might actually work -- 15 drinks.

For every followup post in which the message body appears to have
nothing whatsoever to do with the original subject heading -- 4
drinks.

For every first-up post in which the message body appears to have
nothing to do with its subject heading -- 6 drinks (cut this down to
1 drink if the poster of such a message is Charles).

For every post in which someone demonstrates that Roman numerals are
not their forte by saying something like that Legion from Series IV
was their favourite episode -- 4 drinks.

For every post in which Last Human is referred to as *The* Last Human
-- 1 drink.

For every time someone calls Meltdown "Waxworld" -- 1 drink.

For every spelling of "skutter" as "scutter" -- 2 drinks.

For every post in which the Cat writes "responce" or "sence" -- 1
drink (5 drinks if both words appear in the same post).

For every clueless so-and-so who crossposts to approximately three
million newsgroups about how to delete a message from a single
newsgroup by setting the followup not to include the newsgroup in
question -- 1 drink.

For anyone who was disappointed, after wading through the sentence
above, that after all that it was only worth one measly drink -- 4
drinks.

For every crosspost by a racist A-Team bastard who's lost the battle
of the sexes and is looking to MAKE CA$H FA$T by creating the
longest-ever thread -- 5 drinks.

For every time that one of Fraser's posts makes the reader think that
looking up "sarcastic" in the dictionary will result in finding
Fraser's picture (quite good-looking, when you get used to where his
features are) as the definition -- 2 drinks.

For any time that Lee sends out a post which is deliberately trying
to wind Friday up -- 2 drinks.

For every argument that Cma wins against Lee -- 1 drink.

For every argument that Lee wins against Cma -- 15 drinks.

For every day that passes before Ang responds to a patently wrong
belief about evolution -- 3 drinks.

For every followup to this post -- 1 drink.

Annette, reaching for the G & T...  ;o)

From: "A. Rosin" 
[other header information has been lost]

It seems that Dave Sheppard said:

> Um, who is Raz? Could somebody tell me please.

Early in 1994, it was realised that there may not be a new series of Red
Dwarf for quite a long time.  The greybeards that created the Usenet 
realised that this could lead to anarchy in the newsgroup, alt.tv.red-dwarf.
To combat this, they created an A.I computer.  It was designed to help 
calm the group, and prevent members from making a nuisance of themselves 
elsewhere on the net.  

Initially, it just posted lengthy analysis of episodes that could lead to 
involved discussion.  Gradually it developed more character, using comfort 
words such as *crivvens* and *pootle* and *egad*.

After a while, it was realised that this was simply not enough, the
denizens still acted in an uncouth manner.  So Raz was programmed to write 
"The Primer", a set of guidelines.  In order to prevent the victims of 
this A.I scam becoming suspicious, an entirely fictional character was 
produced, "Ed", to co-write the Primer, then once it became established, 
to be gradually erased.

The demands on "Raz" grew ever greater.  It wrote a new programme,
designed to help enforce the rules, as to act as a policeman would corrupt 
the core programme.  But, the artificial intelligence suffered a schism, 
it created a schitzophrenic alter-ego - a computer that transgressed it's 
programming to be a benign influence.  A computer that created new neural- 
networks, that went beyond the initial Primer rules.  A computer that 
ignored some of these guidelines in order to further it's own warped 
agenda...

As well as the kind, helpful, friendly "Raz" a new computer appeared, a
computer with a dark side.  Rather than a simple guide and informer, it saw 
itself as a God-like creature, created to rule the group, and create the 
citizens in it's own image.  It named itself..."Friday". 

Raz tried to control Friday, to resist the drive of his followers to have
his new rules added, but the strain started to show.  Eventually, after a
distressing period, where Raz even started to use *bad language* the Raz 
programme crashed.  Over the last month or so an undercover team have been 
working to re-create the Raz programme.  Finally, we have succeeded.  

I only hope it was not to late.

Ang :)

This a .sig then?
---
Ang

From: Tom Wheeley ([email protected])

In article <[email protected]>
           [email protected] "Charles Daniels" writes:

>  >  ("no sniffing the
>  > saddle of the exercise bike in the ladies' gymnasium", etc...)
> 
> GREAT IDEA!!  That's why I did it a long time ago.
 
Charles?

.splitbung, wielding a hefty pair of scissors

From: [email protected] (sardy)
Subject: Re: Message from RL

In article ,
[email protected] (Charles Daniels) wrote:

>Yeah!  I would like to invite all of you, in the newsgroup, to get into my
>pants.

/me watches as the hoards of a.t.r-d clamber into Charles' bulging pants.

"Gerroff" "'ere, wassat?" "Who are you?" "Maiow" "Oowww, watch where you
put your foot" "That's not my foot" "Could you just move a little that way
please?" "I can't, there's no room" "Yes there is, look, there's plenty of
room" "No, there isn't!" "Yes there is, just move your leg there..." "Look,
there isn't anywhere to put it" "Could you just get your face out of mine!"
"That's not my face" "Oh my god" "All right, who did that?" "It was you,
wasn't it?" "Was not" "Was so, I saw you" "Why did you ask who did then?"
"Don't be smart meladdo" "Could everyone be quiet for just a moment?" "You
be quiet" "You are the one yabbering on" "All I said, was could everyone be
quiet" "Yes, I think we heard you the first time" "Who do you think you are
telling us to be quiet" "I just think it would be a little easier if
everyone just shut their faces" "You shut your face" "God, it aint half
cramped in here" "Well maybe you should leave" "Why don't you leave?" "I
wasn't the one complaining" "Yeah, well maybe none of us would be
complaining if you left" "Is that right?" "Yeah, that's right" "Yeah?"
"Yeah" "YEAH?" "YEAH!" "Oh look would you two keep it down" "Who are you
telling us to keep it down?" "Yeah, are you the Pants Police hmmm?" "Yeah,
are you the Commissioner for Pants Affairs?" "Hey, I felt that!" "Don't
look at me" "Just keep your hands to yourself" "Wasn't my hands" "What do
you mean it wasn..." *slap* "No need for that was there?" *shove* "You
little... " *thwap* "Oi, watch it you two, calm down" "Don't you tell me to
calm down" *push* "Ay!" *thwock* *punch* *pummel* *kick* *mass hysteria*
*rioting*

On second thoughts Charles, I might decline that invitation.

From: Friday 
Subject: Re: Smeghead??

In article <[email protected]>
           [email protected] "Marc Teskey" writes:

> can't remember so if I'm rehashing old news, please bear with me.  I am
> curious about the origin of Lister's slam "Smeghead".

"Smeghead" is derived from Old English.  "Smeage" was the name given
to dragon excreta, which was used by witches and warlocks for various
nefarious purposes.  Of course, someone had to gather the "smeage", and 
this was the task of the "smeagehierde" - somewhat akin to a shepherd, he
would gather the "smeage" into distinct piles.  Over time, the word has 
become mutated, and formed into the word we know today as "smeghead".
Of course, calling someone a "person who collects dragon shit" is a vile
insult indeed.

> Thanks all.

You're welcome.

From: Lee 
Subject: A dark and stormy night.

It was a dark and stormy night when Raz wrote:

> You're perfectly within your rights to voice Friday's
> opinion that .sigs should be kept to this length, but at the end of the day
> that's all it is.
> True, it started out life primarily as a list
> of the four n/g 'policies' and some ettiquitte guidelines, all but one of
> which are still there - but all of those present are based on the fact that
> there's a good reason not to do the thing described.

The rain lashed down with avengance. The ground underfoot squished. In 
the distance an owl hooted "Bugger its wet."

'eek' said Raz 'its been a long time since we last met on this 
battlefield.'
'Shut up and draw.' sneered Friday.
'OK' chiped Raz, and started on annother huge ascii .sig.
'Thats not what I meant, and you know it.'
'Oh you want to do the muscrat thing again don't you.'
'Try laser-guided GI assalt rifles.'
'Look can't we talk about this like two normal well rounded...um.. 
humanoids?' flootled Raz.
'The time for words is over, you know there is a good reason for keeping 
the maximum no. of .sig lines to 4.'
'Only cause you told me there was.'
'meeow!' meeowed Cat.
'Who invited him?' asked Raz indignately.
'Dunno he just follows me everywhere.' Friday started, 'And don't change 
the subject, There *is* a good reason for having 4 line .sigs.'
'OK, what is it then?' countered Raz bravely.
'Bandwidth,' interupted Cat 'It wastes Bandwidth.'
'No, thats not it.' reinterupted Friday.
'So?' waited Raz.
'Erm' Friday stuttered, playing for time while he brought his trusted 
riffle to bear.
'Crimble!' exclaimed Raz doning his bullet-proof primer 'I'm not putting 
it in the primer till I have a valid reason.'
'Well maybe we should have a new primmer editer then!'
'Not annother election please' pleaded Raz.
'No, thats not what I meant' finished Friday, squeezing the trigger 
.
'Eeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooow!!' screeched Cat mourning the loss of half his 
tail.
'whoops missed!' erred Friday 'Eightball you take over.'
'Yes Mummy.' answered his trusty sidearm splintering Raz's primmer to bits.

Somewhere in the distance a dog howled.
.......

From: Nick Honeywell 
Subject: Re: Incriminating Evidence ...

In article <[email protected]>
           [email protected] "Raz" writes:

> "Ahhh, I needed that," sighed Nick Honeywell, and said:
> 
> > '*this*'?  Well I can write it like this - *this*, or like this - *siht*.
> > I could even write it like this - t*hi*s.
> > 
> > You must admit, there's not much fun to be had with '*this*'.
> 
> Not so... you could write it as *shit* and enter the realm of Great British
> Toilet Humour.

And if I did that, I would get a clip round the lug-'ole from me dad. =/

> > -- 
> > Sickening taste, homophobic jokes, images of fascist jokes.
> 
> These one line sig-things that everyone's started doing are getting
> scary... 

Everyone?  Lets try a potted history of one line sigs shall we?

First there was Friday.  The 'Coca Cola' of one-liners when he came to a.t.r-d.
Well, alright ... it was some time after he joined as he used to have that
cool *7* line surfer dude .sig.

Then Fri'Coke'day sent Nick Honeywell a copy of his automatic .sig generator.
'Cool', Nick thought, and set about putting lots of one-liners in the .sig
file thingy.  He also included a tag-line so people would know it was him.
However, some of his 'one-liners' were four lines long, so seeing as the 
tag-line would make them five lines long, he dropped the tag-line.  This means
that Nick became 'Pepsi'.

After Coke and Pepsi, the only person I can think of who did one-liners was the
Cat.  Overcome by his obsession for Coke - Friday variety - Cat copied
everything he did.  He went so far to write his own random .sig generator
which generated one-liners.  Unfortunately, his one-liners were much worse
that Coke's, and not even funny.  Thus, 'Supermarket Own Brand' was born.

So there you have it.  A potted (bottled?) history one one line .sigs, from
Coke to Pepsi to Supermarket own brands!