Date: Tue, 30 May 95 04:37:21 BST
From: Raz 
Subject: the wrap-up thing...

Tootle, Fri, here's the other post I was gonna send.  Seems I originally
stuck it on the end of a followup to Charles Daniels, who was shouting
something about 'psychedelic stories being written about him'...  Strange
bloke, he never featured in any of them... or did Cma put him in one? =)

Anyway...

-+-

For the past several posts, Raz had been carefully and inconsipicuously
edging away from his brethren, in the mistaken belief that he could do a
runner before anyone noticed he hadn't made a speech.

His hopes were shattered as he reached the shadows that marked the edge of
'the screen', when a feminine hand grabbed him firmly around the throat and
yanked him to one side.

"And where do you think *you're* sneaking off to..?" the mystery assailant
hissed in an American accent.

"Aggrkgk  krkr," Raz protested weakly.

"A likely story!" scoffed the voice.  "For reasons unknown to me, I've been
waiting days to hear a wrap up from you -"

"Urgrggllg?"

"- so if you don't get back out there right this second, I'll drop your
sorry carcass in a toaster and set it to 'cremate', and no talk of chocolate
loincloths is gonna stop me!"

"Kkrglglgl!"

Without further discussion, the peculiarly-motivated American propelled Raz,
throat first, back out towards the others.  Upon landing and risking a
glance behind him, Raz saw nothing but a blouse - with a cute white rabbit
sewn lovingly on the front - melting slowly into the shadows.

No one seemed to have noticed anything yet.  CMA sat nearby, scribbling
trivia onto a stone tablet.  Friday was showing off his new '101 Original
Cuss-words to use at Dinner Parties' book to Liz, who'd finished whatever it
was she'd been doing in the bushes for the past few weeks and had joined the
others.  David was circling everyone, backwards, waving his arms around and
untalking about the soon to be happenned resignation.

After a moment the sounds of hacking and wheezing attracted everyone's
collective attention, except David's, who was - technically - operating on a
different plane of reality.

"Hey Raz," said Friday, "what're you doing sitting over there?"

CMA glanced over too.  "Why's there a cloud of dust slowly settling around
you?"

"All for taxes lower provide to promise I", said David, earnestly.

"And you seem a little our of breath, Raz, anything wrong?" Liz asked.

Raz pointed fearfully into the shadows.  "There's a - I mean, there was a -
um,"  Raz looked into the murk at the edge of the screen.  There was nothing
there.  "Ah, never mind.."

Friday shook his head sadly.  "So anyway," he said, "you're our first
Dingpotty, eh?  Apart from the obvious strain we can see you're under,
what's it like?"

Raz considered this.  "A bit peculiar," he began, looking somewhat
embarrassed.  "It's all nice and lovely and everything, but I think maybe
the best thing is finding out that people actually recognise you.  One
person *can* make a difference, and all that sort of thing."

Liz groaned to herself.  In her experience, when people started quoting
'Knight Rider', events rapidly went downhill.

"Well, I'm pleased you nabbed it," said CMA, who had been inching closer to
Raz and was now smiling sweetly while swinging her stone trivia tablet
gently from side to side.

"Binaries post who those upon brimstone and fire!" David garbled.

"He seemed to have the right idea," Liz said, indicating the oblivious David
Emanuel.  "Funny *and* on-topic, how come he didn't win?"

Raz shrugged.  "Universal injustice?" he asked.

"An unsympathetic and uncaring social climate, always out for the quick
solution?" Friday offered.

"Maybe because no bugger could understand a blind thing he said," CMA said,
and bopped the other-worldly campaigner on the noggin with her trivia stone.

Friday grinned and turned his gaze towards the forest glade at the other end
of the valley where previous battles had been fought.  Two figures stood
there now, somberly discussing the nature of Life.  After a time, the older
of the two appeared to reach a decision and headed slowly away, rubbing his
throat as if thirsty.  The second figure waited a few mintues more,
occationally checking his watch, until, to the surprise of all watching, a
strange craft descended from the sky and hovered above him.  A boarding
elevator descented and the figure boarded.  As it turned before whizzing
off, the side of the craft became visible, upon which large, flashing, neon
letters proclaimed 'Barbados bound!'.

"Well, there go the pollsters," Raz said, pointlessly.

"I wonder how much it costs to take a holiday in Barbados," Friday said
slowly.  "And to get transport like that... it must cost a bundle, eh, Raz?"

"Aye," Raz replied distantantly, eyes on the retreating craft.  "About
twenty thou, all told."

Raz suddenly became aware that all eyes were on him.  "Um, ah, 'least, I
*think* that's what Nick told me..."

Three pairs of eyebrows were raised.  David snored questioningly.

"Yesterday.  I saw him.  He told me about it," Raz burbled, and grinned
unconvincingly.

CMA shrugged.  "Nothing to do now but thank all those who voted for us," she
prompted."  There were nods all around.

"And especially thank those who *would* have voted for someone else, but
didn't bother," Friday giggled.

The throng turned to face the huge wall of glass beyond which lay the Void.
"THANK YOU!!" they chorused, in earnest.

Suddenly, a shiny red Ferrari screeched to a halt near the four friends,
it's plates reading simply 'MEL 1'.  The passenger door popped open and an
elegent young woman skipped out, carefully avoiding the prone David.  She
wore an important looking tag which read 'Melinda - Man.Ed, BC Digest - so
watch it!'.

"Hi Mel!" came the choral greeting.

"Hi guys," she smiled, then stopped, looking surprised.  "Wow, it's pretty
weird to be able to talk without the lag!  Anyway, I was just hoping I'm not
too late?"

"Too late?  For what?" Liz asked.

Melinda didn't reply, but just grinned and skipped over to the dark glass
wall and tapped on it urgently.

"Hey everyone!" She cried.  "Vote for me for Red Dwarf Dingpotty!"

Behind her, unseen, three people buried their heads in their hands, and a
fourth snored in resignation.

"You know you want to!" The ringing voice continued, as sound and picture
faded, and the camera pulled away.  "Hello....?  Hello...?"


- The End (another one) -

Raz [email protected]